What it's like being transgender on Delmarva: One story
Surrounded by friends and members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community, 26-year-old Marc Messner, of Rehoboth Beach, cuts a cake commemorating his “manniversary,” a term used by his friends celebrating a surgery necessary for him to change the gender designation on his birth certificate.
But the events preceding this milestone were marred by betrayal, anxiety and feelings of self-worthlessness during a time of vulnerability and confusion. Messner’s transition became emblematic of the very real problems that all transgender people face.
Early in his transition, Messner was misperceived as a lesbian.
“I never self-identified as a lesbian, I just started to believe it because everyone started pushing it on me,” Messner said. “My biggest misunderstanding was that all gays and lesbians felt like me, but gender and sexual orientation are two completely different things.”
These misconceptions regarding gender identity and sexual orientation led to Messner’s gender dysphoria, a feeling of extreme body hatred common among transgender people.
“For me my dysphoria is so severe, I don’t want anything to do with any parts of me being female,” Messner said. “I avoided female doctors, and I avoided any type of chest exam.”
While undergoing his transition, Messner sought a job less public than previous ones. A position at a Rehoboth dog grooming salon proved to be a good fit.
“When I first started transitioning, I felt it best to leave my past behind and start over at a new job, so I began working at the groomer’s,” Messner said. “The transitional process moved along, I went from someone who had issues dealing with the public at times to someone who became very personable and good with customers.”
Since Messner’s transition became public, he has worked as a mentor for young trans men and women during a bimonthly support group at CAMP Rehoboth, and in the next few years he will continue his transgender advocacy through his pursuit of a Master of Social Work and Human Sexuality degree.
“I want other trans men and women to live the life I never had,” Messner said. “While I was transitioning, I was known as a jerk, and I want to make sure others don’t make the same mistakes I did.”
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The choice
Because dysphoria among transgender people is so complex and severe, many seek different forms of medicine and therapy to mitigate their anxiety.
One of the few health care facilities that offers transgender care is the Mazzoni Center in Philadelphia, an agency initially created in response to the AIDS crisis. Since its inception the Mazzoni Center has provided health care, as well as social services to the LGBT community.
Family Nurse Practitioner Dane Menkin became an expert in transgender care through his nine years of experience at the Mazzoni Center.
“Everybody’s dysphoria is different,” Menkin said. “I have met people, who the biggest source for their anxiety for their gender identity congruency is their voice, but I have also seen a lot of people who have focus around genitalia, and I have seen other people who don’t have any distress around their birth genitalia.”
The struggles between both male to female and female to male trans people are so nuanced that a varied approach of both surgical and therapeutic care can take place over a lifetime.
“For transmasculine identified folks, once we start testosterone development, breast tissue will change in a way where it is easier to bind,” Menkin said. “For transfeminine spectrum folks, taking estrogen slows down the growth of body hair and its consistency.”
In Messner’s case, top surgery was the beginning of several painful, but necessary surgeries.
“The top surgery itself is painful, but nothing compared to the mental hell you are in every day of your life,” said Messner, referring to his double mastectomy, commonly known as top surgery among transmasculine people.
Because it is considered an elective surgery, Messner paid $13,000 out of pocket for his surgery.
“The expenses are something people don’t take into consideration,” Messner said. “By the time I’m done, it will cost me well over $100,000 and insurance does not cover that.”
Although the surgery expenses were substantial, it became one of the best decisions he has ever made.
“It was freeing having the pain associated with my chest gone forever,” Messner said. “I couldn’t wait to see the result of my surgery, and what I looked like flat chested.”
To pay for his top surgery, Messner used credit cards, loans, and cashed in savings bonds.
But the burden of debt proved to be a worthy endeavor for Messner, who was suicidal prior to the surgery.
“At that point more so than worrying about paying for surgery, I was suicidal, and I just wanted my life to end,” Messner said. “I am still recovering financially from the surgery, but as hard as it has been, it was worth every penny.”
For many transpeople who lack access to medical intervention, there is a real sense of hopelessness.
“That is sort of the baseline for suicide,” Menkin said. “We know that moves people toward thinking about suicide, and thinking about that being the only option they have as a way out.”
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According to a 2014 study by the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force and National Center for Transgender Equality, there is a 41 percent suicide attempt rate among transgender people, and a 57 percent suicide rate among those with little to no family support.
In 2014, Messner had his own experience with suicidal feelings.
“I woke up every day and wished I was dead, I was hoping I wouldn’t wake up,” said Messner. “You don’t want to disappoint anybody and by doing the things you end up doing, you end up disappointing them no matter what, and it’s hard because you have to live with that.”
Many transgender issues derive from a fractured family life, often in opposition to their gender identity. In Messner’s case, his family’s disapproval led to five days of reparative therapy and a diagnosis of oppositional defiance.
“That’s where my distrust in therapy came from,” said Messner. “It’s very hard, because my entire life I have been told there is something wrong with me.”
"If we all fight together we are a lot stronger"
With the absence of family support, many transgender people turn to the gay and lesbian community for support.
CAMP Rehoboth, an organization started in 1991 to advocate for civil rights, is among the few places in the region where transgender people can find support.
Since its creation, CAMP Rehoboth has sought and supported government legislation to protect gays and lesbians from hate crimes, and supported the 2006 Employment Non-Discrimination Act, commonly referred to as ENDA.
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Over the past two years, Steve Elkins, executive director of CAMP Rehoboth, and his staff have been working to make the Rehoboth area a safe and inclusive place for transgender people.
“People are weary and afraid, and they are kicked out of their homes” said Elkins, when talking about transgender issues.
Since CAMP Rehoboth opened its doors to transgender people, it has been carefully helping parents and children with trans care and resources.
For Messner, Rehoboth wasn’t the easiest place to transition, but it wasn’t the worst.
“Having gay and lesbian friends has made me a better person,” Messner said. “My gay and lesbian friends have really embraced me, and if we all fight together we are a lot stronger.”